You Get What You Accept, Not What You Deserve: How to Build Better Relationships

Have you ever found yourself in the same relationship patterns, just with different people? It's a frustrating cycle, one that often leaves us questioning “why me?” The truth is, sometimes we inadvertently allow these patterns to repeat. The key to breaking free isn't about being perfect; it's about recognizing familiar, unhealthy dynamics and consciously choosing something different.  

THE RED FLAGS YOU KEEP IGNORING 

We've all been there – seeing a red flag and rationalizing it away. But if you see a red flag, run! You might be drawn to people in unhealthy ways, often unknowingly seeking a version of someone who hurt you in the past – a parent, a past love, an ex friend. Recognizing this takes significant self-awareness and effort. But here's the good news: the more work you do on yourself, the less appealing these unhealthy dynamics become. Instead, you'll find yourself drawn to flexible, genuine, and emotionally available people who meet your standards.

One powerful tool in this journey is simply listening to what people say. My previous blog post, “Reclaim Your Power: Why You're Not Responsible For Other's Expectations”, dives deeper into understanding who is truly right for you.

SLOW DOWN TO SPEED UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP JOURNEY 

In our fast-paced world, it's easy to rush into connections. But if you want to save time and heartache, slow down. Take a real look at what's in front of you. Rushing leads to decisions made for all the wrong reasons. And here's a big one: don't rely on other people's filtered stories about how they met their partners or friends. Love takes work, and it's rarely perfect from the first moment.

On a first interaction, ask yourself: How do you feel being around this person? How do you feel about yourself? Do they calm your nerves? Just because someone shares your interests doesn't automatically mean they'll understand you deeply. The most important thing is how you feel in their presence. Do you feel like you constantly need to impress them, or do you feel calm and completely yourself? Seek out those who are genuinely curious about who you are.

UNDERSTANDING HEALTHY CONNECTION STARTS WITHIN 

Many of us didn't grow up seeing examples of truly healthy human connection. This can make it hard to navigate relationships as adults. That's why understanding ourselves better is paramount. When you love someone, you open up and communicate your needs: how you want to be loved, how you want to celebrate your birthday, or even how you prefer to be left alone when you're angry. It's not about someone guessing your needs; it's about creating a safe space for both of you to be open with your feelings and for you to express yours.

SET BOUNDARIES AND RESPECT THEM

Boundaries are the bedrock of healthy relationships. Communicate what you don't like to your loved ones. If they cross a line, communicate it again. Let them know the consequences if they continue. If they disregard your boundary, follow through. Someone who truly loves and respects you will learn and adapt. The difference lies with someone who disrespects you to provoke. You don't have to accommodate that. If accommodating others comes at the cost of your well-being, you're inviting toxicity back into your life. Leave.

BRING YOUR TRUE SELF TO THE TABLE (From Day One)

A recipe for disaster in any relationship is hiding your true self for months, only to reveal it later. When you do this, you've already allowed someone to misinterpret who you are, making it incredibly difficult for them to adjust. This is often where things end.

Be who you are, and be real. Don't pretend to like something just because someone else does. If you're unsure about a behavior, communicate it immediately. For example, “Hey, why do you make that face whenever I talk about my boundaries?”, they might explain, or they might not . Once you stay in toxicity, you'll get dragged down. You shouldn't have to mirror someone's mood; if they're happy, you're happy, and if they're not, you're also down.

Another example: if someone is late for a date, say, “I don't really like it when you're late; it makes me feel as if I'm not important.” Their ability to communicate and respond to this is a strong indicator of whether they're the right person for you.

EMBRACE CONFLICT AND EMOTIONAL OPENNESS

Conflicts are normal; every relationship has them. The key is how you deal with them. If you can give each other space (even 15 minutes after an argument) and then come back to communicate, that's a powerful sign for the future. Sometimes, we hold onto imagined scenarios in our heads, forgetting reality. It's okay to wish someone were more caring, but if you can't communicate that, you're creating a downhill spiral.

THE LOVE IN LETTING GO 

When you break up with someone you don't want to be with, even if they're kind and loving, that is an act of love. You're setting them free. You care about their feelings. Holding onto the best version of them in your head – a version that doesn't even exist – only hurts you.

CREATING SPACE FOR TRUE FEELINGS 

Some of us grew up in environments where we weren't allowed to be sad or express difficult emotions. In relationships, it's crucial to create space for genuine feelings. Don't tell someone not to be sad, or that they're being insecure when they're trying to share. That isn't love.

Someone who struggles to open up needs to be nurtured, like a baby learning to walk. It's about showing them what's possible without draining your own energy. Your instincts will tell you if someone genuinely isn't willing to meet you halfway.

Consistently ask them how they feel about situations and share how you feel. This creates a non-judgmental space for them to open up. Instead of, .“You're being stupid,” try, “I'm sorry you feel that way. How do you intend to deal with it?”

ADDRESSING BEHAVIOR, NOT LABELS 

Avoid labeling people as “toxic” or “narcissistic.” No one likes being addressed that way. Often, people are navigating a lot, and their behavior can be a response to different situations

Here's how to address behavior you don't like effectively:

Instead of: “Hey, you're being disrespectful for this.”

Consider: “I don't like it when you say this because it makes me feel disrespected.”

Flexibility creates a space for emotional support and love; rigidity doesn't. Imagine you address something, and instead of taking responsibility or apologizing, “I'm sorry this landed that way in your ears, I was trying to say this,” they choose to tell you you're being insecure, or dismiss it as “just a joke”.

Let's work together to make a difference in this generation's relationships. What's one boundary you're committed to setting in your relationships today?

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